Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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