I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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