I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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