Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
