it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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