in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
