There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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