I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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