Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
