I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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