He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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