Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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