You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
