I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
