you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
