Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize