I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
