it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize