I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize