is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
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