i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize