There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
