advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
