he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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