I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
