she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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