dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so that wasnt chicken after all
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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