Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
