well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
