Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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