I hate all girls vehemently.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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