Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
