They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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