I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
