feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I love you. Go after that dick
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
