Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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