I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize