i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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