I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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