I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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