I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize