Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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