I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
