I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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