its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
