I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize