I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
