blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
