When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I need moral support for this bender
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
