2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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