doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
COCAINE IS GR8
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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