Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
