your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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